My Higher Power is John Stamos
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Randomize
