turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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