Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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