i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
