I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
