I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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