sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
