she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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