Your face is a jimmy john
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
