Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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