I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize