I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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