Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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