38 yer olds are good kisserssss
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
