how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
