the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
