My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
