They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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