just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
