we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
