I think i peed on brittanys purse
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
