Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
only you would photoshop your dick
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
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