Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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