but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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