Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
