the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
