He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize