He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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