Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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