4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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