what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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