I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
