Soap is not a condiment
I want you more than these girls want KFC
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
