she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
