I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
