Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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