You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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