You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize