Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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