im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I wear drunk well.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
