Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
