The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
