k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
