Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
