I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
