In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
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