Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I love having hate sex.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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