So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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