i need an iv and a liver transplant
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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