apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
