I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
