i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
