listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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