i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
