yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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