I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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