My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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