Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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