Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
