I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
